Coffee Shop Revelations

I'm sitting in the Coffee Bean in Claremont Ca, talking to a friend over text. She expressed to me that she had been really tired lately.

But she asked how i was.

I replied "Same. Tired. But i think it's gonna be a good week..."

"haha why.?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I can just feel it."

Lately, i've felt like i've just been racing along trying to get everything done. Yet, though i've been racing around, it's seemed like life has been passing me by, like i haven't taken time to really enjoy where i am, or the people beside me.

Tonight i got the opportunity to go out to this coffee shop with a friend while she did her homework. I had planned on watching a movie on Netflix, like every other night. When we got here, we had conversations about friends, ourselves, and God. It was good conversation and it was much needed friend time.

I think i get so stuck in these little tiny rivets in life that seem like routine but really they are a bit of anti-social/paranoia. I used to be spontaneous, my freshmen year at least. I was in a new place and had made all new friends because i went to a school where i know no one. Well, take freshmen year and add three years and here i am at the beginning of my senior year wondering what i'm going to do with my life and making sure that my schedule is foolproof. I have work, church, classes, and then the extra time is made up of Netflix, sitting in my room on Pinterest, and/or creeping on Facebook.

However, today, i got to leave campus, and i got to hangout with a good friend and have good conversation. So as we sat talking and a silence came into the conversation, i took my opportunity to just ask a random question.

"Jenny" I said, "tell me what to do with my life!"

Okay, not really a question. But it needed an answer nonetheless.

She replied. "Record music."

Okay, check. She said something i love doing.

And then she told me, "disciple people."

Um, what? I sat there puzzled but just blurted out, "Why?"

She went in depth to tell me that i have the temperament, patience, and commitment to disciple people.

It was nice to hear that she thought i was strong enough emotionally and spiritually to be able to do so.

However she also threw in that she thought i was going to be a good mother. Which we made jokes about how i need to just have a baby right now, and then proceeded to jokingly ask a barista. Don't worry, he didn't hear us.

I think that in life, we just need those people you know? We need those people who are going to speak into us, or lovingly correct us, or give us a little guidance when we feel like we have no clue where we are going.

The smallest conversation can spark confidence, or a feeling of purpose.

So, i may be a little bit anti-social, but that will change.

Alright, i may be a little bit shy, and set in my routine, but there is always time to go out for coffee with a friend.

I may not be a very good guitar player, but i've got a voice that deserves to be heard, and a heart that is fully exposed in my songs.

I may have been tired for the past, well, my whole life.

But this week is going to be a good week. I can just feel it.

I tend to take certain things in my life and turn them into analogies to relate them to... my life...

"Well what do you mean?" She said to me, wondering what i actually meant. 

Recently i ordered an iPhone 5c, it's pink, it's 16gb, and it gets here today. Well i pre-ordered it last week and lets just say this has been the longest week of my life. 

As i made the realization that i am a terribly impatient person i realized that there are other things in my life i could relate this week to. 

So, i want a man, a good one. So i've waited somewhat patiently for the past, i don't know, twenty one years. 

Well the thing about this guy is that, i have no idea when he's going to come along, which is fine, but when you have that mindset you are always ready. He could show up next friday, or today, or five minutes from now when he walks into the coffee shop and accidentally spills his coffee on me so he has to buy me dinner. Not that i would want to date a man that clumsy ;)

But anyways, any moment in time he could show up. 

With my phone, i know when it's getting here, i knew it would get here this afternoon, so it made my whole week almost unbearable and made me impatient to no end. 

If i knew the person this guy was, or when he was going to get here. Could you imagine how impatient i would get. How much i would just want to drop everything and wait all week for him to get here? Good Lord that week would be the worst week of my life. And you can tell how much more important this man is than some dumb iPhone that will be worthless in a year. 

I'm impatient already, and knowing would only amplify it by like times twenty. 

So, sometimes i tend to take certain things in my life and relate them to other things in my life. 

But i'm not waiting for a phone here, i'm waiting for the man of my dreams, the one who is a little sarcastic, but gets my humor and laughs with me, the one who loves God more than anything. And knowing that, i will be perfectly fine waiting for him, for a long time. 

I already love him. 

Hilarious Introvert Comic!

This is basically me in a nutshell. Always wanting to have conversations in hypothetical situations.

Dreams? Or lack thereof...

I have dreams. I think. 

Every since i grew up, i think it was sort of just implied that i would be a rockstar...

At least that's what i wanted. 

I remember my first band, the Angels. 

We were in fifth grade and we wrote songs that had Avril Lavigne Beats and we would stand out by our tree at recess and all sing together. 

I got my first guitar the christmas of fifth or sixth grade. A black and white Yamaha electric. You know, one of those cheapy costco bundles. 

But nevertheless i loved it. 

My friend taught me C, G, and D. But i eventually learned Em which remains my favorite chord to this day. 

After that another friend and I had a band called Driice. Dri Ice. Yes i know. Terrible name. 

I went through middle school and high school writing songs and getting somewhat better at guitar. 

Then i joined the worship team in my youth group and got mentored by my youth pastor. 

I still had a band with a few added friends, but we didn't really practice or perform except for talent shows at church, so the worship team was my main focus. 

I have always loved music, and writing songs, and singing like there was no tomorrow. 

I still have a huge binder of all the old songs i have written and couldn't throw away. If i combined some and made them better, i could have a whole career in one binder. 

I loved worshipping God. I love singing praises and writing songs that show my heart for Him. 

I love leading worship. 

I love performing my songs. 

I love getting recognized as a good singer. Sometimes we need reassurance. 

I know that God has given me gifts and dreams and maybe even a vision. 

So... What do i do? 

I think that when i grew up i stopped wanting to be a rockstar because i figured when i accepted God into my heart that my dreams no longer mattered because i was going to do what God wanted me to do, and i had no say. 

But we all know that verse, that God will give us the desires of our hearts right? Well, doesn't he technically put those desires there....? Haha. I'm serious. 

I have had the hardest time trying to figure out what i'm going to do after i graduate. And i really want to have something amazing just fall into my lap so i can go with it. And i've been told that when waiting for an opportunity from God, to write everything you want out so that God knows what you want yes, but also that when the opportunity comes by, you won't miss it because you don't know what it looks like. 

So here it is: 

I want to be part of something big. I want to lead worship, yes, but i want people to hear my music that isn't necessarily worship music. I would love to record my music and i would love for it to reach people. I want people to understand my heart when they hear my music. I want a good job that i love and that will pay the bills. I would love to be a youth leader and try and help others figure out what they love doing an encourage it. I want a duet. Yes it sounds weird. But i've always wanted one person who compliments me perfectly to sing with me, this person could also be the love of my life, but i'm just dreaming here. I want to be close to my family. I want to be able to drive and see my nephew and hear his wonderful adorable laugh. I want to be able to see my family when i want, not just once a year. I want a cute little studio apartment that i can make my own, but i would also like to have a roommate. I would love to work in a local music store, or a random coffee shop, just for the experience. I want to play at open mic nights and maybe get signed. I want people to be able to relate to me through my music, and i would love to be able to talk to people over coffee about it. I want relationships! I want friends that pour into me that i can pour right back into. I want encouragements, and positivity, and pursuing. I want to be the best person i can be. I want to glorify God with every step that i take. I want to please Him. I want people to see Him in me and i want Him to reach people through me. I want a Christ centered life. I want to be adventurous and courageous to go out by myself and meet people and start relationships. I want what's best for me. I know i was Made for More than being scared, or anxious about decisions i have to make.

So these are some of my dreams. Now i'm just waiting for something to come into my path and for me to recognize it as my next step. 

Beautiful..?

"You look beautiful today" She said to me as i took a bit of my morning oatmeal.

Just a compliment to make me feel better, right?

But where does my mind immediately go?

Today?

Why do we go there?

Why do we, when someone tells  us we look beautiful, or handsome, or good today, why do we immediately go to the negative?

I answer her back saying, "just today, got it!"

And then she replied, "Well, especially beautiful today."

Reassuring.

This summer was a summer of growth for me, with singing, and with being in a church setting.

But more than anything, i grew in my self-respect and confidence.

I think grew out of the person who hated looking at herself in the mirror.

I know that God made me and that in itself makes me beautiful.

I am God's daughter and that title is beautiful.

My identity is in Christ, who is a wonderful powerful savior.

What does that make me? Ugly? Fat? a waste of skin? NO!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I AM beautiful!

There is no reason why, when someone tells you you look beautiful today, you need to think it only means you are beautiful on that day.

There is always someone who will think you are beautiful. Because you are. Always. No matter how thrown together you feel, or if you don't have make-up on.

You are beautiful. I think you are beautiful.

Take the steps today to believe it yourself. You have so much to offer, so don't let your doubts about your looks interfere with what God made you for.

Because YOU are beautiful.

This is Me

We all have those friends who take pictures of us. And then we beg to see the camera so we can, after, beg them to delete the awkward angle/fat looking/ double chin photos.

We've all done it. I'm sure.

This picture was taken a few months ago when i was hanging out with my soon to be roommate and friend of three years.

We went up to the mountains and we took pictures, mostly of random poses, or me and my other roommate at the time fake flashing the winding road below.

But this picture in particular stood out to me among the ones she showed me right away.

I look truly happy don't I?

I had this picture as my profile picture for a long time because it does truly portray who i am in one picture. I LOVE to laugh.

It's not the most flattering of pictures, i mean i don't think i look bad, but it's not classic "pretty."

But i sure look happy, and i know that at the time i was.

Seeing this picture encourages me to strive for the happiness that i had.

Sure i complained about being single. But now i just think, "who the heck cares?"

No one else cares that i'm single why should I? It's like some idea engraved on our brains when we are little, that we need guys or girls to make us happy. We NEED the love of our lives! Well, as i stated in my last blog post, i already have mine.

And i'm going to choose to be this me. To be myself.

Someone who laughs at almost everything, someone sarcastic, someone who loves what i love and i don't need to change it for anyone.

I'm happy. Because i choose to be.

Love of My Life

How can they not notice?

She's sitting alone, you can see it in her eyes, she's dying inside.

Past loves left her dry and future loves leave her hanging on tomorrow hoping he'll come along or wishing that the fire she sits in front of would sweep her into the flames if he doesn't truly exist.

Does he exist though?

This man who will make her truly happy?

A man who will care for her and hold her when she needs the comfort she needs now.

A man who will lead, and pray, and love, without ceasing.

Does he exist?

She sits there wondering if she'll ever not be alone, as she sits on a crowded beach, with "friends" all around her.

Hold me, she whispers into the air hoping that no matter where he is he can hear her and feel her pain.

As she feels the fire-warmed wind brush past her face and push her hair from her face.

She knows he is there.

The one who truly cares, truly loves, and will always give her joy.

Her Lord who encompasses her with his presence as she longs for a love that has never and will never be extinguished.

She sits content with her feet buried in the sand and stares at the fire watching the flames rise up, as the fire in her heart begins to stir.

The love of God fills her, and she is finally satisfied. 

She has found the love of her life. 

Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don't know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can't. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn't change the fact that i've done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can't watch sex scenes in movies. I can't hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can't see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He's the only one who can help me. He's the only one who can forgive me, because He's the only one who sees. 

I'm sorry if it's disgusting, but it's honest. 

It's my life, it's my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries. 

Today

Today held new things. 

I was happy. Yet most of the day, and even now i'm alone. 

No need to please anyone, or do anything i don't want to. 

I hate being guilted, or manipulated to hanging out with people. 

And lately i feel like it's been like that a lot. 

I've been home for two weeks and i think this has been the first day i've actually been alone. Time for myself. Getting to be in peace i guess. 

It's not that i don't enjoy company, because i do. But when it's forced, or loud and obnoxious company? Yeah yeah...

I know i complain a lot. But this is really my only vice. It's not like i'm going to broadcast my feelings all over Facebook, or to everyone around me. 

Sometimes i need to be alone. Sometimes i just want to straight up tell people i don't feel like hanging out, not just with them (or maybe) but in general. Does that make me a bad person? 

Okay, i'm going to be completely transparent for a minute. Throughout highschool i had a couple toxic friendships. Friendships that consisted of lies, manipulation, false fronts, deceit, breaking trust, and people going behind my back. 

However, i forgave and somewhat forgot. What i could anyways. And these people are still my friends, closeish friends. I don't think they truly understand what they put my through, or what consequences have been evident in my life since. 

I have major trust issues, and i can always tell when people are trying to guilt me or manipulate me. I can tell if you're being fake. I can tell when you are lying or making up stories. No, i'm not a lie detector. I'm just saying, i've been around the block and i know. 

So all that said, quite bluntly i apologize, i can't stand more than a few hours being with people who have hurt me that much. I am kind of getting to the point where i almost can't at all. So much still feels fake, or seems like a show. 

So yeah, time alone is good. 

The Scale

Always over revealing of things i don't necessarily want to know. 

And always the determiner of what my mood will be that day. 

It's sad that i allow such a small thing dictate how i'm going to live my life. 

Weight has always been a problem for me, and i know that now a days it's socially okay, or at least more okay than it was five years ago. 

But i grew up wishing that i was skinny. I grew up wanting to be one of those pretty musicians who was skinny and had a rockstar fashion sense. 

But every failed diet, every failed exercise routine, and here i am, the heaviest i've ever been in my entire life. And yet... i have the least amount of motivation. 

My mindset is so skewed. To think that the minute i get skinny i will finally find love. 

I think that i will only be pretty when i'm skinny. 

I. Grew. Up. That. Way. 

And now all of a sudden it's okay, well it's not to me. 

Yes i know i'm beautiful the way i am. But there comes a point where i'm not even comfortable in my own skin! I am not comfortable in my own skin. 

God made us to be healthy humans, he doesn't want us to be sick, or to have a risk of diabetes and heart disease because it runs in our family. 

I want to be healthy. More than anything. 

I can picture myself eating healthy, and running everyday. 

But i hate doing it by myself, or i'm not motivated, or sleep seems more important at six in the morning. 

There are always excuses. And then those excuses lead to me sitting on the couch watching another season of One Tree Hill, which in itself is terrible because i'm just comparing myself to these women all day. So pretty and thin and have a wonderful fashion sense. 

I think i've gotten to the point where comparison to others is just natural, and it's terrible, you can't tell the kind of person someone is by the skin they wear. The skinniest girl in school could be a horrific person on the inside. 

I know that the inside is more important than the outside, but for once, i just want my outsides to match my insides. 

I'm going to be honest, i want someone to like me for me, i really wish that the outsides didn't matter as much as they do. And people can say they don't but truly we all know they do. 

I know that God made me for who i am. I have the genes i do for a reason. Maybe the thing is i truly need to work for it. I need to work to be healthy rather than skinny. I need to be spiritually healthy. I need to be better.

So, after another session of my doubting myself and who i am. I at least know that i was Made for More than i give myself credit for. I'm not second guessing God's creation. I know he made me for a reason, and every bit of His creation is beautiful, so in that, i am beautiful too. But maybe sometimes, more than i thought or would like to admit, my insides aren't beautiful either. 

"It's not who y...

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not."~Hanoch McCarty

I have dreams... 

I have ideas of what i think my future will be like... 

But sometimes, i don't think i'm good enough for my dreams...

I don't think that i'm capable of what my mind and heart truly want for me...

or capable of what God has for my life...

This is my ultimate downfall, when i get in the habit of thinking i'm not good enough, my dreams just seem to fade out. I know that i was made for a reason. I was made for a certain thing, that i'm sure others could do, but something i will thrive at. I don't want to just survive, or just live day to day, i want to live my dreams. I want to live the dreams that God has laid out for me. I was Made for More, and it's time i start acting like it....

This is me....

Just a girl... wishing that she had no cares in the world.