You don't know me.You don't know what I'm thinking or what I feel. You can't see the hurt behind my smile. And you definitely can't see the compassion that floats just beneath the worried look that you think judges. I have been struck down, and I have been gasping for air above these waters. I have a mind that works nonstop except for the few glorious hours of silence I get from slumber. I over think. I think deeply. I think in connecting dots that circle through my mind. The strain from thoughts displayed by my eyebrows. No I can't hide my emotions that well on my ever revealing face. But at least I show emotion. At least I choose to smile and wave when people look at me. At least I offer kindness to those who are worried and hurt. At least I encourage when people are stressed. I don't strike people when they are down, and I definitely don't pretend to know them. So with all due respect, not that you actually deserve it, you don't know me.
Life
Life is crazy sometimes.Sometimes bad things happen, or you get hurt. But recently I've learned the differences between two things. Being hurt and being harmed. The world has harmed me countless times since my birth. But my God would never harm me. Sometimes he brings hurt in the change, and he means it for good. I know that this season of my life is just a season, and the hurt will subside. This change may hurt, but it is so much better than the harm it would have caused me to stay the same. My God would never harm me.
Sometimes something needs to happen to push you out of neutral
Have you ever just been completely stuck in some random place in your life and you seriously have no idea what you're going to do?
It's like the negatives and positives of all the options you have weigh the same and you have to actually make the decision.
Because it's not completely black and white on which option is best.
This is me. All the time.
I don't know if I was actually ever going to say anything. But nevertheless that option is gone now.
I could have spoken up and said something, but thinking about it now the timing was perfect.
You see I wouldn't have done anything to change where I was. I wouldn't have made the decision to drop it or bring it up.
I would have just stayed, stuck in neutral.
So this is good I think. The whole thing being ripped off of the table.
This way all things are left in tact and not made awkward by my words or lack thereof.
This next step is going to be hard, but I think I've decided that it will be worth it.
I'm not in neutral anymore. I think that's what makes this okay. I think it's what makes me okay.
I guess this is the something I needed. The something I prayed for. To throw me out of neutral.
Time Spent
I realized on Thursday that I have spent a significant amount of time in hospitals.
When I was a kid it was mainly me getting hurt and having to sit in the waiting room for hours. This could include anywhere from a sprained ankle and smashing my hand in the car door to almost cutting off my thumb with a Spaghetti O's can lid.
A lot of hospital trips were for my mom and all her various health issues, a lot of surgeries and or emergency room trips in the middle of the night.
When I got to high school it would be a mixture of going to the hospital to see people such as my youth pastor when she had a surgery, or gave birth, or when I had to sit next to her while her three year old sun got a spinal tap and she heard him screaming all the way from his room.
Even now in college I've been to hospitals for appointments, or scares with friends.
I don't know what it is, but I always seem to be there. I want to be there.
Waiting for hours on end sucks, but knowing that you are there supporting the people you love is what makes it worth it.
I couldn't tell you how many times I've been to the hospital with people who told me I didn't need to be there, or they apologize, or say that they don't want to be a burden.
It's never been a burden. Not for me. I think deep down I just love them, so I want to be there, to know that they are safe, or at least have them feel safer because they have someone there for them.
I can't think of the last time I went to the hospital for my own reasons.
But I hope that when I end up having to go, that there will be people there with me, to make me feel safe, and not cold and alone in a place where I don't know or trust anyone. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not a burden and they aren't leaving. Someone who would even come with me and sit in the waiting room with me when a friend is getting checked out and I'm alone. It's nice to have those friends. It's nice to have people there for you. So that's why I always try to be.
I Have Lived
Today while I was at work, I found myself yet again going through the motions as I started wiping down one of the counters. It's gets to the point where you are so good at something, you can keep doing it without thinking, forcing your mind to wander elsewhere.
For some reason, today, my mind decided to wander to "What would happen if I died right now?"
It's something I don't normally think of, mainly because I don't want to die.
However, I find that the biggest thing I fear is my future, because I have no idea what will happen.
Death seems easier to grasp at this moment. It's more concrete, and final. Whereas, my future, well, nothing is set in stone, and I am terrified that I'm going to screw it up.
So I continue with wiping down the counter and think of the life that I've lived. I've done some pretty cool things, none of which would count as extraordinary, mediocre at best, but cool at least.
I've made wonderful friends, terrible mistakes, and at least one or two really good comebacks. Okay, one.
If I could look at my life played back to me, I would probably see a sad story about a girl who struggled her whole life to try and fit in, be funny, pretty, skinny, etc. I would see the girl who has no life experience at all. Just someone who has been sheltered, spoiled, and complacent.
My life so far, is not something that I would consider worth living for.
I realize that my whole life so far has led up to the moment where I will walk across that stage and get my degree. But what happens after? I am so scared, because I don't know.
But you see, if I died right now, my dreams would die with me.
My dreams that have been put in my heart to reach out.
My dreams that will somehow lead me into my future, though I don't know how yet.
I want to make so many things of this life. I want people to know that God loves them.
I want people to see His light in anything I do.
I don't want life to be wasted. I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I have lived.
I am made for more than just the right now. God has a specific purpose for making me, and he's going to use me, wherever I go.
My future should not be something I'm scared about, but something I am excited for.
I get to bring glory to God and live my dreams.
I know that when the time comes I will be able to say "I have lived."
So I continued to wipe down the counters with a smile on my face, and a new hope for my future.
What's The Worst That Could Happen?
"Why don't you trust me?" He asked calmly.
"I don't know." She answered back timidly. "I think I'm just afraid of what could happen if I give myself to you completely."
She thought of before, when she was in high school and tried to trust other guys. She thought back to that desperate moment where she decided it would be a good idea to date a guy because of the fact that he could like her. He didn't at the time, but she begged her best friend, to beg him, to ask her out. And he did, because he liked her, her meaning the best friend. She was always the girl who had the beautiful best friend. In middle school, in high school, and even up until her college years, it seemed as though everyone went for her best friends. She hated it inwardly, allowing for herself to become a little bitter, and sarcastic.
"What's the worst that could happen?" He interrupted her thoughts.
What's the worst that could happen? She thought to herself. Every time she trusted people they betrayed her. They broke her heart. She was always so desperate for love. So desperate that the one boy she begged to have date her ended up being, well, someone she didn't think he was. She broke up with him the next day because she, "couldn't lie to her mom." But deep down she knew it was because it was wrong. It was so wrong to beg for love. She knew she deserved more than some random guy she had only known since the day before and who blew a wine burp in her face earlier that morning. She was fourteen, and already she felt that her worth was dependent on if a guy liked her.
"You know you mean the world to me right? That I would give anything just to show you that I love you." There he went again, interrupting her thoughts. But she felt the comfort with him. When he spoke she felt the words flow into her ears and down around her heart. Why couldn't it always be like this?
"I think I'm starting to realize just how much." She said as she sat down on the floor at the foot of her unmade bed, letting it sink in. She let the words he spoke reach in and grasp her heart so tightly. This is all i've ever wanted right? Love? Then why does it feel so different than the other times i've tried? All her thoughts were swarming around in her head making it hard to fully cling to her decision. But she thought, maybe, just maybe, if he would come over and lay his hand on her back, she would feel the real comfort. If he did that, then she would know that this was really real, and he was really there.
"Just let me know. Let me know you're real" Desperate for the confirmation that she needed to finally let him in to her heart, into her life. In that moment, she felt the warmth of a hand on her upper back. The touch of reassurance that she needed to know that he was real, that he really truly loved her, that he was there. She turned to see her empty room with the door closed.
As she smiled to herself with complete confidence that what had just happened wasn't made up, she sat there as tears started running down her face. "Okay God, you can have my heart. You can have it all."
It was all in your look
The look that knew I was there.The look that made me feel as though I was an actual person. That you could see me. Your look, the one that says "I'm being sincere...tell me honestly" And yet, I kept up the wall. I felt safe with your look, and yet it's the same thing that makes me scared for my heart. If I tell you too much, if I open up too much, only for you to turn in the other direction, how would my heart ever recover? It's crazy, but I think that I really do, like you. But my hints have either fallen short, or I have. I've racked my brain trying to figure out if I should bring it up. It's hard because I get the feeling that other's feelings may be involved, and I don't want to hurt anyone by making them feel how I felt ever day of high school, when I was the beautiful girl's best friend. It's not easy, and I don't want to rub it in. But that doesn't change my feelings. It won't change my heart. I deserve more than settling, and at this point anyone else would be. People keep saying you're just a boy, there are others. But right now you're the only boy. I don't care anymore. If I come on too strong. Because what's love, but a risk? And what's life without love?
It's crazy
But I'm not nervous about the crowdI'm nervous about you.
Sometimes everything hurts
Sometimes the little jabs that people take, that normally you could brush off , are the things that completely break you.Sometimes you hurt. And sometimes you just have to hurt. Sometimes you need to be honest with people and tell them that they are hurting you. As hard as it is. Even if it wounds them too. You can't walk through life hoping that people won't hurt you. You need to stand up for yourself. And today I learned that.
"I'm Fine"
Sometimes I retreat.
Sometimes I withdraw. One of my teachers has called me out on this a couple of times. He told me he noticed that when we were doing a group project I shut down and didn't give any further input.
You see, everything around me can be so overwhelming that I have to just shut down my mind sometimes. Otherwise, well, I don't know what will happen.
I get emotionally drained. For some reason this has been happening more often that it did before.
I've been finding myself trying so hard to stay awake and participate in class. I've gotten enough sleep. I shouldn't be tired.
I think that I struggle with anxiety. This has been a long time coming to admit this, but I truly think I do.
I get self-conscious about everything, and for some reason this makes me tense up, or it makes me feel as though I need to be put together all the time. I worry about what people will think of me. I also worry about certain outcomes from things that haven't even come into play yet.
Sometimes it's all just too much.
I don't really tell people much about the tough parts of my life though. Maybe because I feel as though they are insignificant compared to other people's issues, or that it makes me seem weak.
Even now I feel as though I have too much to handle.
But you'll never know. Because I won't bring it up.
I won't bring up the fact that I feel like crying a lot of the time attention is drawn to me. Especially if it's negative.
I won't tell anyone that speaking in front of people makes me so nervous sometimes that I could literally go to bed after and sleep for days.
I won't tell anyone that the future legitimately scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do when I graduate.
Sometimes I get so drained and all I want is for someone just to hug me. I want them to know that something is wrong, and to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be alright. To hold me and let me feel it all at once, rather than stuff it down for the seventh week in a row.
But people won't know. Because I hide it. Or brush it off as a joke. Or say that I'm just tired.
People don't truly know what they are in for when they ask if I'm okay.
I avoid it all. I say I'm fine.
My Attempt at "Fiction"
"I don't know what to do now." She said, having decided it was time she finally spoke up. It was in this moment where the realization that she didn't have any real dreams came to surface. She looked him in the eyes and she saw it, the sadness had now taken over him.
There was no reason for him to be sad, she was just voicing her thoughts, or at least what she had been feeling for the past five months. She didn't know what to do. The eye contact seemed to last longer than forever until he finally looked down and out the window. "What?" She asked him, trying to make sense of why he hadn't spoken yet.
"I can't." He said quickly, without shifting. She looked down at her folded hands in her lap shaking, contemplating how to go on further.
"I just, I wanted to be honest." She mumbled. "I don't think I could ever forget about it, if I didn't tell you first." She tried so hard to force down the tears, and the nerves that were attempting to get her whole body, instead of just her hands. She had never let it get this far. Falling in love with someone always seemed too scary for her so she never took the leap. She hadn't let herself get to this point, not for a long time. The last time almost broke her completely.
"I get it." He said, invading her thoughts, she looked up and he was looking into her eyes again. It's like those eyes could stop anything, her heart at least. "I just don't know what I should say."
This is what she was waiting for wasn't it? The great rejection? Why did she think that it would be any different than the last time? Why on earth did she let herself get to the point of love without shutting it down? She was being careless. She was careless. How could she let this happen? She felt her heart clench and it wasn't letting go. Is this what heart break feels like? You get to the point where you can't hold it in any longer, so you need to tell that person? She thought. But then she finally uttered the words and silence.
As she had sat there after telling him her feelings, she watched his expression. She watched it go from content to extremely confused. She had said it right, right? She kept playing it over and over in her head, until she realized neither of them had said anything for the past two minutes. They had just sat there, in the silence. That's when she decided to speak up. Now knowing that her feelings weren't reciprocated, because otherwise he would have said something. That's when she decided to lay everything out on the table. This table that once had all their friends gathered around it, now just them because she had asked him to stay.
You see, when she got here, she figured that she would just meet someone, and then go with them wherever they went. She would be one to follow. She didn't mind it, because well, she didn't have any big dreams. She'll just latch on to someone else's and go with them. She didn't mind, she actually preferred it. But now...?
As she sat there, her hands still in her lap, shaking. She realized that she had put all her hopes into something completely one-sided. She had hoped for him too hard. She put her heart into something that was dangerous. It was probably the biggest risk she had ever taken, loving someone whether or not they loved her back. Is this how God feels every time he shows us love? She thought. Sitting there, hoping and praying that they will receive it and decide to love you back? Because here she was, hoping and praying, but breaking at the seams.
He sat there, completely silent. As she tried to steady her breathing, her heart. She looked down again and she began to lose it. She lost the tears that she had been pushing down, and her whole body began to shake. She needed to leave. She looked up one last time to indicate that she was done, her heart was on her sleeve for too long and it needed to go back inside and start beating again. She knew that she would remember this. She would remember this moment as a defining moment in her life. The time where she took the leap, she took the risk of putting her heart out there and it was rejected; sent back to it's perfectly safe cave in her chest, wounded...
She looked into his eyes, and saw it again, the confusion. She pushed herself back in her chair to get up and he stopped her by placing his hand on hers.
"Stop" he said. Looking as though he was still unsure of what he was saying. It seemed as though he was acting out of character, and right as she thought it he noticed. He removed his hand from hers and leaned back in his chair, still holding eye contact with her.
As the tears seemed to stop, leaving her with mascara stains on her face, she slowly sat back into the chair unsure of what to expect.
He looked at her, still confused but a little less so than before. "Stay" he mumbled, his voice shaking, he looked down.
"What?" She said, not having heard him over her obnoxiously loud heart beat.
"I said stay..." Finally certain that the words that were leaving his mouth were true, he looked up and into her eyes. "I want you to stay."
A Daughters Breaking Heart
For as long as I can remember my mother has struggled with an immense amount of pain.
Because of this, for most of my life she has been addicted to Vicodin and other painkillers.
Sometimes it's even hard to make it through the week without her needing to have a glass of wine. And she's a lightweight, so she could get flat out drunk with one and a half.
My mom had a terrible childhood, her mother wasn't good at keeping a stable home.
Two summers ago I was in my room and I heard my mom crying in the living room, drunk, talking about her dad.
My dad was trying to comfort her, yes, but this wasn't the first time it had happened and it gets on his nerves that she medicates with substances.
I've had to tell her multiple times that she doesn't need to drink. And that I don't know what to do when she gets like this.
When I got back from Massachusetts she had an episode. I don't remember what had happened, but she ended up calling her doctor to find a place that would help her get weened off of the Vicodin. It would have been 48 hours long so she would have had to stay. Her and my dad got in the car and left, and then no more than five minutes later they were pulling back into the drive way. She couldn't go. She decided that she was going to try something else.
I remember in high school, my senior year, we had moved an hour away from my high school and I had to go on independent studies to take care of her after her knee replacement. She had Vicodin to help with the pain, and I had to give them to her. I was the designated pharmacist when my dad was gone because we couldn't trust her with them.
I also remember when she had finally gotten off of them my summer home after freshmen year, and I had gotten my wisdom teeth out. The doctor was going to give me a prescription for Vicodin to help with my pain, I had to tell her no in front of my mother because I didn't want it in my house. I took the Motrin.
All of my life my mother has struggled. And it's breaking my heart. I'm not saying that I don't want to help, but no daughter should have to help her parent with their addictions.
I've wanted God to heal my mom for so long. But I think my mom just needs to see that He can.
I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.
You see, I used to do this thing.
I'm sure that everyone has done it.
Sometimes when there are people we want to impress, we change things about ourselves.
We tell little fibs, or we take on interests that weren't actually our interests a day before.
We joke more intensely. We do pretty much everything more intensely just so that person will notice.
I did this a lot in high school.
I remember being at my friends house and I liked his younger brother, who just happened to like heavier music.
I however, still listened to Avril Lavigne and had Switchfoot on repeat.
When I found out he liked that type of music, I went home and downloaded all of the Thousand Foot Krutch that my brother had. Because to me that was heavy music. (So Dumb).
Then whenever we would go hangout at that house and go swimming I would bring my iPod along for after and then listen to it obnoxiously loud so maybe he would hear, I think I'm still paying for that.
I also started disliking country because someone I liked hated it.
Then I started liking country again when I liked someone here at Life my sophomore year.
You see, I don't necessarily regret those things, because I got introduced to some really great music.
But it's when I see myself start to act different, or more intense. Or even louder because I desperately want them to notice me.
I realize this. And I'm seriously pissed off at myself.
For so long I have changed the things I say or do, or like, all because of someone else.
Who were they going to fall for? Because it sure as heck wasn't me.
This person with random interests and stupid jokes and terrible taste (that I can see now) is not someone I would want to fall for, so why do I expect to have someone fall for me, when it's not me?
This is why I've made up my mind
See, I no longer want to be this girl who has a different personality, or different set of interests every few weeks.
I don't want to be this girl who is afraid to share her own taste with the world.
I don't want to live in fear of being rejected by people.
I am no longer the person who is so easily swayed by other people's opinions, or interests.
So yeah, I like Avril Lavigne. I like Thousand Foot Krutch, I like some country music. I like so many things that I am not going to stop liking because some guy doesn't like them. I also don't like certain things, and it's going to stay that way.
I was made to be a kind, loving, and compassionate woman. That is who I want to be. You know. With her share of sarcastic remarks and jokes about hating children.
My God made me a unique person. I have a heart that, is yes easily hurt, but it beats for one reason. To praise Him who made me. And to praise Him the way He made me.
So, I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.
Waiting on You
Tonight I realized something.
After a couple of minutes driving around (it's how I think), i thought about all of my past relationships and crushes.
Now I know I've been writing a lot about crushes lately, I mean, I guess you can tell what's on my mind.
But anyways, back to tonight.
I realized that I'm basically waiting around. Now, that's not a big deal. But it is. Especially when I kind of already know what I'm waiting to hear. "I think you're cool," "I like you as a friend," "I don't even like you as a friend and never want to see you again," etc.
But why do I keep waiting then? If I truly knew that those words were the one's I've been waiting to hear for the past few weeks, why can't I just move on now?
I. Don't. Know.
Maybe it's because deep down... deep deep down... I'm hoping that this case is different than the others. That I've waited long enough and finally this one crush is going to be the one that actually turns into something.
Maybe I'm just scared. Actually, that's a fact, there is no maybe. I am scared to death. Wanna know why? Because I don't want to ruin things and lose a cool friend. I guess there's always been that.
As I try to dig deep down into the pit of all my feelings I can't help but wish that he would pull me aside and ask.
Honestly, that is the only way I can really see myself getting out of this one.
I can't even get up the courage to talk about telling him I have a crush on him, let alone having to go up to him and say "hey, can I talk to you for a second...alone." There is no way you can say that to someone without it immediately being assumed that you are going to "talk."
I am scared. To lose a friend. But also to lose two friends.
Who actually likes being the best friend to the one that everyone likes? I didn't. I still don't.
I don't want people to see me differently. I want things to stay the same. Except that I don't. I want them to change only if it's the outcome I want. How stupid is that?
I am so stupid.
I'm literally sitting here typing into a computer because I am such a coward that I can't just buck up and talk to him.
Very coward. Such stupid.
Okay. But if there is some chance that the person I'm talking about is reading this. And he knows. Please just talk to me. I'm sorry I'm a wimp.
What Happens When I Fall For You?
As I sit here this morning, a couple of things have been running through my head. One of them, you. The other, me.
You see, lately I've been feeling as though I can't say this. I won't speak up because I'm truly afraid that I could ruin everything.
So I decided to share with the world, what probably will happen when I "fall for you."
1. When I fall for you, I will go completely out of my way to see you. Not in a creepy, stand outside your window at night "out of my way," but a "hey, I think I'll go the long way to class so I can see you for two seconds" kind of way.
2. I tend to start caring way too much. When upsetting things happen to you, I empathize with you, but then somehow end up taking on the burden and in turn am also upset for the reasons you might be.
3. I'll care for you. If you needed something, I would try my best to make it happen. That's just who I am.
4. I'll find it hard to not smile at you... This could make it pretty obvious... But nevertheless, tis true. It's sometimes hard to make me smile non stop so, if you've done it, there are probably a few underlying factors as to why.
5. I'll write you a song. You won't know this, but I probably will have already. Cheesy as hell, and probably really terrible. But it's got chords and words and by some definition that makes it a song.
6. I'll attempt to distance myself from you physically. This is because somewhere deep down I will think I'm not good enough for you, so I will try to spare my heart the pain of hearing it from your lips.
7. I can't eat as much. Not won't (trust me), can't. Somehow this "falling for you thing" is the only thing to turn me away from copious amounts of food.
8. I might try and drop hints in everyday conversation to try to get you to dig further. You may feel like you would be prying by asking, but i've dropped those hints on purpose so that you can.
9. I will start trying to get to know your interests. Not take them on as my own, but at least learn what you like and have an appreciation for it.
and lastly
10. I will finally come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that I can go on unless I tell you that I have fallen for you. This will probably come as a surprise to you, seeing as these hints aren't really obvious at all. Not to most men at least. So you probably won't even know that I have feelings for you.
I'm sure there are many more subtle things in my actions and words that could give it away, but then again, would you notice?
Why do they call them crushes?
When you have a "crush" on someone, it just means you like them right?So why is liking someone described as a crush? Let me say....
I see you across the hall and I wish you'd see me. A crumpled little heart inside a girl who has only tried to be pleasing. Those things they say take over the stomach? What are they Butterflies? If that's what these are than I don't know why I'm not high in the sky. When you talk to me I feel the coldness melt. Shards of ice, to the ground these pieces pelt. The hardness cracks and falls, a deconstruction of all my built up walls. You see, now that I understand why. They call them crushes because the high. You feel so happy, giddy if you will. But it's the moment when you realize that none of its real. You asked me a simple question, so much different than the others. It seemed so sincere, I know you're a good guy, I've seen your true colors. As much as I wish that you'd write me a sonnet. I can't get passed the feeling, I'm not being honest. If I was being honest, I'd tell myself no. I'd tell myself that I'm being stupid and that I have to know. This isn't going to work out how you think. So I lay here, in the darkness, dreading to fall asleep. I know that I can't dream of you. You aren't mine to dream of. But as I close my eyes to sleep, I will know why they call it "crush"
Me?
Part of me wonders if I'll ever have love.Now, if you read my post about the famous three words being overused, you probably know that I have a hard time using those words lightly. "I Love You" has always been special to me. Tonight a friend told me they loved me, and I sort of made some noise back...I still can't bring myself to say it. I walked next to her and wondered if I could ever actually say those words to a man and mean them. It seems like some foreign thing to me. Yes, I've never had a boyfriend so I wouldn't understand. So I think to myself, how will I know when I love him? What is love? I think I've kind of figured it out, for me anyways. Love for me is caring deeply for and about someone. Love is knowing their past and even who they are now and accepting it, yes, but choosing to say "I love you in spite of this." Love is being up front, honest and forward with your feelings. Love is choosing to be with someone because of their uniqueness, not the things that make them comparable to other people. I can't wait for the day when I finally realize that I am in love with someone, and love them just for who they are. And I can only hope that they will love me for me.
Subconscious Check
They say that when we dream about certain things that it's our "subconscious trying to tell us something."
I have always somewhat believed that, except for my David dream, because I never felt like I had seen this person before.
But anyways, last night I had a weird dream.
My roommate was in it, our friend Michael (MOberle), and then the person that i've had a pretty steady crush on the past few weeks.
In this dream we were in a school gym, or at least it had the vibe of a school gym.
We were all hanging out in a little group and then something obnoxiously loud happened in the background.
Then my roommate said, "when Michelle kisses someone I'm going to do that and embarrass her!" She's referring to the loud noises and screaming.
Both the guys laugh and then Sara and I share a look and the guys ask what.
I explain to them that, "I've never kissed anyone, that's why she would be making a big deal about it."
Then the guy I have a crush on says, "Well if your looking for someone to kiss..."
Yeah, I know right. He's basically offering to be my first kiss.
And what do I do?
"Oh, nah..." I said a little unsure.
And then realizing what I have done as he begins to back down, I go to say "well..."
And then my alarm goes off and wakes me out of this dream where I make a complete idiot of myself.
What the heck?!?!
Was my subconscious trying to tell me something?
In the past i've been a little nonchalant about it, and sometimes I really just want to get it over with.
Somehow my first kiss and my first boyfriend/relationship have become synonymous.
They should be, I think.
I don't want to go around kissing guys that I'm not going to date.
But this dream, it completely threw me. Even in my dream I held to the fact that I really don't want to kiss someone just to kiss someone.
It was a reassurance that I've been waiting for a reason.
I have shared so many other things with people that should have waited.
But this, this truly must wait.
It's the last thing I have left to give. And I'm going to make it worth it.
What Made Me This Way?
I don't know what made me this way.I don't know why I get defensive, insecure, and internally upset. I knew they weren't serious, but here I am upset and feeling ganged up on. I made the right choice for me. I will not apologize for that. I think we get so caught up in caring what people think. That we allow ourselves to be defined by their reactions to the things we do. Why do I always say "me neither" when I ask someone if they like something I like? Why do I need to explain the things I love to people? I love it. Get over it. Why do I need to explain to people why I make the choices I make? That's right, I don't. So why am I laying here wondering why it matters so much? Why am I upset that people ganged up on me? Because they are people that matter to me. Sometimes we have to suck it up. Sometimes we endure stupid things because deep down we truly love these people. But does that mean we need to take in every negative thing they say? No. Does that mean we need to feel terrible for making a choice that's good for us? No. In a quote from a friend, "I'm allowed." So what do I say about people's negative reactions to what's best for you? Just don't give a damn.
How Can I Not?
Something that I have always had a hard time accepting. That God loves me.
That he has always loved me. And that he will never fail to love me in the future.
I have a hard enough time believing that he loves me.
Someone who made me.
I believe that my parents love me.
I believe that most of my friends love me.
But I can't believe that my own creator loves me.
I'm stupid. Let's just leave it at that.
Because how can I not believe that God loves me?
God made my every cell, everything in my body. He made my heart the way it is for a reason.
How can I not believe that he loves me, when he gave his only son to come and die to save us?
How can I not believe that he loves me, when I have countless times made it through rough times with only him to thank.
If I didn't believe in God, I don't think I could ever believe that anyone loved me or loves me.
How can I not know without a doubt that God loves me?
It's like I do know. But it's hard to accept it.
Because I'm so dirty. Broken. Scared. Hopeless. Disgustingly Unfaithful.
How could God love that?
And yet, he does.
I just need to accept it.
And all he asks in return?
That I love him.
How can I not?