Worn thin

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm losing control of everything. And it's not in the "I need to control everything" way.I literally just feel so exhausted. Or spread thin. But most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I go a whole day being content. And then I just feel lost on other days. I feel like I'm not giving enough of myself, but then I look at my life and see that there is nothing left of me to give. Or it seems. I think that I've hit the ceiling. On my emotions. On my relationship with God. I keep pressing harder and harder against the ceiling but it doesn't come off. I just get spread and worn, thinner and thinner across it. I know that something needs to change in my life. I don't know what it is. But I know it's going to come into my home of comfort and it's going to blow up. It's going to blow the ceiling right off. And I know it's going to hurt like hell. But I'm ready.

An Off Day

Usually I'm a moderately confident person. Confident in what I'm doing with my life, at least for the next day or two.

Confident in myself and my calling.

However, every once in a while someone comes along and throws a wrench in my confidence.

Today I went from being completely content with my life, to questioning if I'll even make it to the end of the day. (I did by the way).

Right now I lead worship at my church and I love it. Being a worship leader is what I felt I had been called to. And I still feel called to it.

I have a job to pay the bills, for now anyways, and I've been pretty happy with the stability and income.

For some reason I decided to go into an interview today for a company I didn't even know of, and after about thirty minutes of sitting listening to some guy trying to convince me that I actually wasn't happy otherwise I wouldn't be looking for another job, I left feeling like my life was spiraling out of control.

I was livid with this man. He was trying to get into my head and he doesn't even know who I am or how I work.

I know who I am. I am not someone who can be a salesperson. It's not that I'm "scared to fail," I just really didn't want to do it.

I came home and felt about a thousand pounds of pressure to go on Craigslist and try to find another job right that second.

I was off all day after that. I felt like I wasn't in control. And for some reason I knew that I was in trouble.

I know the minute I try controlling everything I lose a bit of my faith.

I had to stop and relax. I know that God is going to take care of me.

I trust that God has plans for my life. I believe that no matter what God will provide for my every need.

I may not always have what I want, but I know that God is good. God is always good.

Just a thought.

We all know that there will always be people who will tear us down. There will always be the people who aren't happy with their lives and for that reason they will feel the need to try and hurt ours.

We all know this.

Some days are harder than others to get through.

Today was one of those days for me.

Stuck in between two people arguing, even if it seems harmless, hurts me. It hurts to feel like I have to choose a side for a stupid reason. It hurts to see people that I actually like go through things like feeling undermined and then also feeling like people are over stretching their authority.

Sometimes people hurt you unintentionally. But nevertheless, they hurt you.

We all know that this happens, even if we feel as though we are good people.

But then again.

There are always going to be people who think the world of you, and would rather take the hit than let you take it.

There are going to be people who pour into you and try to make things good for you.

There are going to be people like my wonderful pastors who invited me to come babysit because I'm unfortunately very short on cash.

There are going to be people who randomly decide to bless you with a meal, and maybe a pedicure.

There are going to be people who build you up with words and acts of kindness.

Because I know that there will always be these people, it makes it a lot easier to deal with the ones that aren't as great or encouraging.

I thank God for these wonderful people in my life that for some reason see enough in me that they feel I deserve these blessings.

The Struggle is Real.

 Throughout my whole life I have seen others go through terrible circumstances. I have seen people walk away from God for the smallest reason, or at least it seemed like it to me. Because of this, I had this fear grow inside of me. That one day my faith in God wouldn’t be enough, and my fear and worry would be too big and I would turn and run.

As I was graduating college, I knew that life was going to get increasingly hard. I knew that I would struggle. The one thing my parents didn’t want, and the one thing for my life that I chose. Because at least this way I’m doing what makes me happy, and I’m following Christ.

I think that God allows us to struggle because how else are we going to distinguish His love from the “love” of the world. How else are we going to make our lives dependent on Him unless He is literally the only person who could ever save us?

This has been the hardest summer of my life, and you know what? I’m glad.

I (somewhat) patiently waited for God to come through for me. Because I had no reason to believe that he wouldn’t.

I applied for jobs straight for about two months and was on the verge of just giving up and going home to get a job before the summer even ended.

At one point I went home and applied for a job that my friend could have gotten me. Though I cried the whole way to the place knowing it was wrong, I still applied and was interviewed on the spot. I didn’t want it. It wasn’t what I wanted. Nothing had ever felt more like giving up to me. So I told my friend even if they offered it to me I wouldn’t take it.

When I arrived back that week I got a couple of calls and opportunities, one of which was the place I now currently work at.

So I had a job! Things were working out.

Within a week of working there I was in contact with the people who I would eventually move in with. Even though my host home situation ended a bit rough and feelings were hurt I can now come home and relax, because I’m home. This is my home.

This past weekend I went away for a wedding, and over the span of one weekend a scam I had fallen for had taken three separate transactions from my account and I almost didn’t make it home.

Pissed off at the world for the first two days I was back home, I hadn’t really given it to God. I tried my best to deal with the problem on my own first. You know. Because I’m human and can’t let things go.

I went to the bank and got my card switched but couldn’t do much else. Yesterday one of the transactions was put back and I was glad, but still pretty upset.

I went to my small group and we talked about the few things that we still, though we say we don’t we do, keep from God. One of mine, obviously finances.

People asked for prayer requests to pray for us. I decided it was best to just say it. I don’t trust God enough was the bulk of my request. It was the fact that I don’t really trust God with my finances or trust that he will provide.

So my request, that I would trust Him more and have peace in it.

I came home, passed out in bed, and woke up this morning to a text from my mom telling me another transaction was returned. Praise Jesus! I told her. And I did.

I know that struggle in my life is God’s way for showing His greatness. There is no one greater than my God and I think this summer, I’ve really needed to see that. Even if seeing it felt like I was getting punched in the stomach.

Mornings as an adult have become increasingly difficult.

Every since I got a job, I find myself exhausted in the morning and it literally takes me at least an hour to completely pull my ass out of bed and go downstairs to eat breakfast. And then I come back upstairs and sit on my bed and go on my computer. Then eventually, I will dramatically groan and flop back on my bed and just lay there. Never truly ready for the day to begin....

And as of now. I'm basically okay with this being how life is. This is my Saturday.

Sometimes Things Happen. And They Hurt.

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes you have a totally fine day and then you get off work and all the sudden something happens that hurts you down to your core and you have no way of making it any better.

Sometimes people aren't receptive of apologies.

Sometimes people target you when really other things are going on in their lives.

Sometimes things hurt. And they can't be stopped.

Jesus at the Center of it All

I feel like I've been living in the same season for a very long time. A season of misunderstanding, and a fight with my flesh.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't struggling to say no to myself and take up my cross and choose Jesus. A struggle I mostly lost to myself.

Last night I went to the "Not a Fan" small group from my church, this alone was a denying of myself, because if I chose myself I would be at home watching the newest episode of one of my many shows instead.

This week we talked about things that we haven't given up to God, and making God our one and only.

Well as you could imagine, we all have things that distract us, or take up room in our hearts that truly belongs to Jesus. As the whole room went around sharing one thing that they struggle with, I was at a loss. I was still struggling with denying myself my pride. I was ashamed of what I truly hold on to. Worry, My future, stress, money, relationships, crushes, and of course unforgiveness. I decided to share worry (when I was asked to share), mainly because it seemed like the safest option.

But my insides were stirring and my heart seemed as though it were being crushed by my fear of vulnerability.

I couldn't open up and say that I lust. I couldn't open up and say that I'm not willing to give up my search for a man in my life. I couldn't open up my prideful mouth and tell the group that I still deep deep down hold unforgiveness towards my brother for not protecting me from harm. And unforgiveness towards myself for being so naive.

I hold all of these emotional ties, and they are keeping me from truly loving Jesus and Him being the center of my life.

I want to push everything out of my heart so that I can truly say Jesus holds it all.

I want to forgive myself and others for hurting me.

I want to deny myself every morning when I wake, because I have no idea whats good for me and I desperately need my Lord's guidance.

I need to wake up and acknowledge that there is no way I could make it through the day without Him.

There is no way I can take a breath without Him knowing.

I want to desperately need Him like the air I breathe.

There is no one greater than my God. So how can I continue to give other things my affection and love "things" more than I love the very Creator of my being?

If you ever have a chance to talk to me, you know that I quote movies incessantly. I quote tv shows and I quote conversations I have with people. I allow for my heart and mind to soak up all of this media and meaningless babble because it somehow adds to my "identity." But my identity needs to be found in Christ.

So I take another step today and deny myself. I forgive myself for my past, and stay thankful that the decisions I made (thought they may have hurt) brought me here. I forgive my brother, and stay thankful that I had a brother at all. I lay down my worry about money, my future, and future relationships, and stay thankful for where I am right now (I have a job and a place to live). I lay down any crushes that may arise, and stay hopeful that there is a man out there somewhere designed by God, someone who may not be "the one" but who will be my "right one." Someone who will pursue me, and make it known that they see me for who I really am. Lastly, I lay down my life, and take up the cross that until this moment I have been too frightened to bear.

Jesus be the Center of it all.

Deeply Rooted Fear

Today I got a call from an establishment I applied to two months ago, asking if I was still looking for employment. The manager asked if I could interview tomorrow and of course as the unemployed college grad that I am I said yes. Needless to say I've been excited all day. But when I opened the door for the excitement to come in, anxiety snuck in right behind it.

You see, for the past two months, I have applied for jobs, I have searched, and handed out my resume, and nothing.

I went home last week and made the final decision that I would not be returning to Hollister any time soon because it is a step back from where I want to be going.

I made this decision based on growth in my relationship with God. I know that away from home I rely on God and myself more, rather than my parents or friends.

However, when I said no to that option it seemed that three others popped up in it's place. Cut off one head and three more grow back, right?

Well now I'm planning to hopefully move to Washington with a friend in August. New start, new people, and new opportunities are held there in the town of Olympia. All of course just plans. No solid structure considering a job or a place to stay. But my friend knows people and there is a good church there. Opportunity #1 pursued, in thought at least.

Two days ago I got an email from a teacher that was an ad for a worship leading position where living would be taken care of and there would be an income. But it's in Missouri. I called the Pastor and then emailed him my resume. Opportunity #2 pursued.

The interview. The interview is somewhat tied to opportunity #1. If I get offered the job I take it and work there until we have to make the trek north to Olympia. Then I quit.

However, what if I decided to stay?

You see this interview could mean a solid job, that could pay for rent and bills and my loans. It could mean being able to stay at the church I'm at, in a position I actually love and being able to mentor students who come and go. I've been developing a heart for young adults and mentoring and this could be the place I could do that.

I keep thinking of other places as a new start, as a place to really go for it, and a place to try and live out my dreams. But I think this wanting to go somewhere new is something deeper than just wanting to see new places.

Other than my newly developed desire to travel, I think it may have to do with a deeply rooted fear of failure.

You see, if I go somewhere new and try to live my dreams and fail...well, no one knows me.

But if I take the steps to try and become something here, where all my friends and church family are, and fail, then everyone sees.

Everyone will see me failing at something I thought was my dream.

It's like that birthday party that you take so much time planning and then no one shows up and you're left there with the family that has to be there to celebrate you.

I'm scared of failure. I haven't worked for anything in my life. I haven't even found a job on my own, the one I had was handed to me. I'm scared that the minute I step out on my own to try and do my own thing, I won't be good enough.

That's where faith comes in I guess. Having faith that God gave me these dreams, and he knows the desires of my heart, and if I stay faithful to Him, then he will do the rest.

Right now I'm just praying for Him to intervene. I have these three wonderful options and I don't want to let fear or my own will make the decision for me.

I do believe there are certain seasons in life and I can't help but wonder if my season in Southern California may be coming to an end.

Daily Devotion Catch Up

I normally don't share my devotions with people, mainly because I think they are personal between God and me. But today I was reading a chapter in Acts. Just randomly, I don't follow a reading plan or anything I just open my bible and sometimes where it falls open I will read it. Today it was Acts 22. 

After Paul is converted Jesus tells him to leave Jerusalem quickly because his testimony about Jesus wouldn't be accepted there. Paul says this, "Lord, they themselves know that in every synagogue I imprisoned them and beat those who believed in you. And while the blood of your witness Stephen was shed, I myself was standing by approving and keeping the coats of those who killed him" (Verses 19-20). 

I love that Paul brought this up, not because of it's context in the chapter, but because of it's truth. Paul states that he was the "chief of sinners," yet it took me reading through this chapter to actually grasp it. Paul literally watched as Christians were killed, he gave the killing order. Paul beat Christians and imprisoned them. Yet Jesus called him. Jesus called Paul, the "Chief of sinners" to follow him and to go and share the gospel. 

Lately I've been struggling a lot with my past, because for some reason I think it defines me, and holds me back, and keeps me from love.

Reading through this chapter was like a bucket of freezing cold water on my sleeping soul.

If God called Paul, the person who imprisoned Christians and ordered for their murder, and forgave him, then why couldn't he do the same for me? My holding on to my past and not forgiving myself and thinking that I can't be forgiven, is in complete contradiction from what Jesus did on the cross. How can I continue to tell others that they are forgiven for their sins, if I can't believe that mine are forgiven? How can I tell other people that their pasts make no difference and I still love them the same, if I can't believe anyone could ever say that to me? 

I have sinned. I have fallen short of the glory of God. However. I am saved. I am called. And I have been forgiven. You are forgiven. Nothing that you have done in your past can keep you from God when he says that you are forgiven. So for me, it's time to forgive myself and move on. If I don't start now I'll never be able to let people in. I deserve love, and my past doesn't change that. 

Thank you God for your forgiveness and never-ending love. I love you. Amen. 

Friend

As I stood and watched you walk away, my mouth held in the words that you needed to hear. 

I couldn’t bring myself to say them. 

Maybe because they would be lost in the wind, or maybe among the people placed between us. 

Could it be that you can’t hear them anymore? The words that are meant to lift up. 

You are so far down in the cave of negativity, rejected from all the things you ever wanted. 

How are you still here? 

So much darkness and yet you hold your small candle still, lighting the way. 

You stay on the path before you and you’ve never allowed the obstacles to trip you. 

You are a friend. An amazing person who has gone through so much and yet is still here fighting. 

You are fighting for love, and God, and hope, and I will forever admire you for who you are right now. 

The Moment When It All Comes Into Focus

Lately I've been searching for that moment of clarity. 

The moment that my whole life will somehow come into focus and I could make a choice on what my future would entail.

However, that moment never came. 

I just graduated from college and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. 

I am running out of money, time and unfortunately motivation.

I've applied at so many jobs that it seems like I'm just going through the motions waiting for some company to throw me a bone. 

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm scared to put myself out there. 

I know I need to go to businesses and show them my face and my interest in their company.

But it scares me. I'm an introvert. I suck at small talk. And somehow I can make a simple encounter the most awkward occurrence you could ever be so blessed to take part in.

So. No job for me. Not yet anyways. 

After school I had decided to stick around town and try to make it work here. I had a place to stay for the summer and if I could get a job, God willing, I could save and move in with a bunch of other girls so we could afford one apartment. 

It's been about a month and a half. No such luck. 

I broke down on Saturday. I think it was needed. I never take break downs as a bad thing, if I did I would be beating myself up for having them almost every few weeks. 

You see, I've been trying to fit myself into this mold. This mold of having everything together, and having a good job right off the bat and knowing exactly what I want to be doing with my life. But that's not me. 

I recently read this article that stated something about figuring out your calling and how it sometimes takes time and preparation before you can actually get out there and do it. The article also said that sometimes people who don't know their calling jump on to other peoples. I can say from personal experience that this doesn't end very well. 

Every since I was a kid I would do this. I would jump on to other people's dreams, or plans. My friend wanted to play flute in band and I wanted to continue hanging out with her so what did I do? I picked up the flute. One of my best friends said she wanted to move to Portland after she graduated so we both went on a road trip to Portland to see how we liked it, I don't think it's for me. I know I'm not cut out for certain things, like backpacking, or being a missionary. 

I keep trying to push myself into these plans that weren't made for me, they were made for those other people I see thriving in them. 

The one thing that has always been all me is music. I have always written songs, and played guitar and sang. I have always wanted to be a rockstar. That's my dream. To go play low key shows and to sing my heart out. But I need to prepare. That's the thing. I need to prepare for it all. 

This week I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant again and I am going to be an auntie again. So much joy has been brought to me by just being an aunt and seeing my nephew grow taller and cuter (if that's even possible). Now that I know I can be a more permanent part of it that makes me happy. I can go home and be in my nephew's life and my whole family's life. I don't have to pick up and go back to school. My stay could be indefinite. 

I've told so many people that I was going to try and stick around, but I think I was just scared of going home and getting stuck. It's so easy to get stuck in Hollister. 

My parent's want me home. And I'm running out of reasons to not go back home. 

When I got the text telling me that my sister-in-law was pregnant again and the baby was healthy, that was the moment where everything shot into focus. I love my family. I love my family with all my being and I want to be there with them. 

I can do music anywhere. But my family is in Hollister. 

So maybe I go home. I go home and practice my music, and write more, and improve and PREPARE. Prepare for the day that I can finally go up on a stage and sing my heart out. Going home can maybe be my time of preparation. Maybe. 

Old Hopes

The other day I had the privilege to play a few worship songs with a guy friend from my church. 

One of the worship songs just happened to be an old favorite that used to have so much significance back in high school. 

I remember telling my friends that I would know that I had met the man I was supposed to marry, when he sang this song. 

Obviously with the exclusion of married men, people I actually didn't like, and basically anyone who wasn't the person I had a crush on at that time. 

Only this past week did I remember that I had ever said that. Now it seems completely ridiculous. 

It seemed completely ridiculous that I would place that big of a decision on one of the most played worship songs of that time. 

I think that it was more of a way of excluding people than hoping for the one. At that time I also thought that I would be marrying someone exactly like me, a worship leader. Well, I realize now that I really won't know until I know. 

I've heard stories of people saying, "I'll know it's him when..." or "He's going to do this..." etc, and those things actually happening and them meeting the man of their dreams. 

I remember an old friend saying that she would know that it would be him because it would be written in the sky with spaghetti (she was younger when she said this). Well, sure enough when she got into a serious relationship he wrote out a marriage proposal with spaghetti on plastic wrap and held it above her so that she could see the sky behind it. How cute/cheesy is that?!

It's things like these that give me the slightest bit of hope.

For me it was a song, or the fact that he wouldn't have kissed anyone yet, or the fact that we would just know.

I think that I've found better tells. You know, not the superficial ones like they have to be a worship leader, or know how to cook, or have this and have that, but the deeper more important things. 

Like maybe him being passionate about what God has placed in his life. That he won't be someone to take things for granted, like my friendship. That he'll actually be encouraging of my growth and challenge me to be in healthy relationships and fight for myself, because I never fight for myself. He'll set up boundaries, even in our friendship, so that we continue to have a healthy relationship. 

There are so many things that should tell you if someone is the right person for you, and it's not if they sing a worship song that you like and probably will forget about later. 

The person you should be with is the person who makes you want to be a better person by just being the person they are. They aren't forcing change, they are challenging you to it by their very being. 

So I'm not going to meet my husband by him singing Hungry at a worship service. If anything I probably won't know it's him until three years into our very best-friendship. 

I'm not saying that those little things you hope for won't happen, but having those lists and the little scenarios played out in your head gives way for exclusions of some pretty great people that you could have had a chance with. 

Women in Ministry Not Women's Ministry

When I was growing up my parents taught me a lot of things. However, the most important thing I can remember learning from them was that everyone was created equal. Everyone was created equal, and this meant that I grew up believing specifically that men and women were equal. I was raised to believe that being a woman didn't disqualify me from anything, as long as I set my mind on something I could achieve it. And my brother was also raised to believe that he could achieve anything he set his mind on. 

My church had a very heavy hand in this belief as well.

The church I was raised in was a foursquare church, so obviously I grew up believing that women in ministry wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Much to my surprise that when I began attending Life Pacific College I found out that our denomination was one of the only ones that actually believed in women in ministry, who knew? Let's just say that it was a huge change to attend LIFE where women in ministry was mentioned in every class and I came from a place where it was just ministry. It was hard to grasp that people actually believed that women shouldn't be leading in the church, let alone talking, with the exception of women's ministry of course. Because only women can lead women. 

This Sunday, Pastor Scott busted the myth that women shouldn't speak up in church. By taking one of the most commonly misinterpreted passages where people find the fuel for their arguments against women in ministry, and tearing it apart. 

By taking 1 Timothy 2:8-15 and bringing in background and the context of the letter as a whole we see that Paul isn't telling Timothy that women can't be involved in ministry or speak up in the church. But rather Paul is encouraging the women to learn in quietness and submission (to their teachers). Rather than spreading false teachings, Paul wants the women to learn the truth first before speaking up in the church. 

Ironically, I never argued people on this issue.

Yes, I believed that women should not only be allowed in ministry, but encouraged in it. However, I never knew the facts. I never took the time to actually read through it and figure out the truth about what Paul was saying. Because I didn't know the truth behind the text, I never put myself in a position to debate on it because I wouldn't have been able to back it up. 

I think this is what Paul was trying to avoid. 

He didn't want to silence the women in the church, he wanted to make sure that when the women weren't silent, what they were speaking was the truth.

I wonder what Paul would do today if he knew that the correction he gave Timothy for the false teachings was now being taught about falsely. 

I know what I want

Each day you don't give me a sign that there could be something here, is a day that I give in.I give in to the settling. I give in to the feelings of being wanted even if they aren't reciprocated. Each day that is lost is a day I wish I could get back and do things differently. I wish that I could have not said anything to make you feel less than who you are. I wish that I wouldn't bother you as much or that at least that I would say things that are meaningful. I really don't know what's going on with me. All I know is that I know who I want, and it's you. But there's another who actually shows interest. Who, yes bothers me sometimes, but they talk to me and make me feel as though they care. I know deep down that I can never give in to that and that I have to fight for the things in life that I truly want and I can't settle for something that's good enough. I know what I want.

Against the Clock

I feel as though I'm running against the clock.I'm trying to rush it. I'm trying to make you know me as quickly as possible so that there's more time left for other things. I think that if you truly could see all of me that you would see my heart and possibly see what it feels for you. I smile when I look at you, but I force myself to look away as to not seem too interested. I won't lie. The first time I ever encountered you I couldn't stop staring at your mouth. It wasn't obvious. Hopefully. But I just watched it, as word after word poured out. I wanted them to never stop. I didn't want the moment to end because I knew it wouldn't be the same again. Then that night came along. And it was more than anything I could have ever asked for. And it was all over in time that was to quick to grasp. I wanted more time. I wanted to stay. I wanted to make every moment last. Another minute. Another fact. Another second. Another inside joke made and therefore more to have in common. Another day goes by and I sit waiting for more opportunities. It seems as though they are slipping away. I'm trying. I want more moments with you. Even if they don't amount to anything more than friendship. I want to know you sir. And I want you to know me. At this point. I can't ask for anything more. So as I race against the clock. I will try to make every moment with you count.

Sitting With You

Hey you, 

I'm sitting in the Loop working on homework. It's times like these, in the early morning, where I wish the most. I wish that you were here and I wish that you would draw circles on my hand underneath the table while we pretend we're actually getting homework done.

I wish that you would show up and I would have your coffee already, and you would kiss me on the top of my head as your greeting. I wish that we could face the harshness of morning together because at least we have each other. 

I wish, oh I wish. 

Forever Best Friend

It's getting to that point in my life where it's more evident that certain friendships wont last. 

I'm almost at the very end of my college career and after graduation everyone will disperse. 

I know people moving to different cities and states, doing the things they were born to do!

It's so exciting to see everyone following their dreams. 

I always end up stopping to think about myself in these times, I think of myself a lot actually. I'm an extremely selfish self absorbed person but I don't think people notice much because I'm not verbal about it. 

But anyways, I think about my dreams, and my life here at this wonderful college that has contributed to a significant amount of growth for me. 

I think of all the friendships that will probably fade away, and I think to the hopes that I have always had, the hopes that I would find someone here to be a forever best friend. 

I always wanted to meet someone, you know? The one. The one person I want to be with above all else. The one person who makes me feel safe, or reassured. The one person who can send me one small text saying "good morning" and immediately my day would be made. The person who would let me use their jacket and then "forget" to get it back from me. 

I wanted to meet someone who would be with me forever. The friendship that never truly ends. 

I wanted to meet someone that I never got tired of spending time with. I wanted to meet someone who makes me laugh until it literally feels as though I should have a six pack. I wanted someone who would go on drives with me and tease me and let me tease him right back. 

I'm an idealist. What can I say? 

I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. The man who was somewhat innocent and sweet and there for me. 

My time here was spent pining over guys that were never going to like me. I told God I wouldn't date my first year here because I wanted to be sure that finding a man wasn't the reason I chose to come to this school. Now i'm not so sure it wasn't the reason. My whole life I have wanted that person, why would it ever change, especially in college when everyone is around the same age and all trying to figure themselves out. Knowing that it would have happened in whatever school I chose is a little bit comforting though. 

But I got here and no joke, a month later I started talking to someone. He seemed like a really cool guy and like he loved Jesus. We ended up having a DTR that took place at the most popular DTR spot, the "foursquares." I told him I liked him and then asked if he liked me and he said yes. But because I wasn't dating anyone for a year that was it. We hung out all the time still, walking the lines of friendship and dating. He would text me good morning, and he let me use his jacket and I left it next to my pillow and it smelled like him. I let him drive my truck, which that itself was me being vulnerable. I would grab at the rubber band on his wrist to snap it because I knew he would grab my hand and try to make me stop. Then we would sit there for a few seconds and let go. It was in those little moments where I could feel the butterflies the most. I realized a few weeks in to whatever the hell that was, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I told him that I only liked him as a friend and the same day he told me he was dropping out and going home. A few weeks later I saw him change his religion on Facebook to Atheist. Dodged a bullet? Yeah I think so. 

But you see, that was the only thing I ever had that was close to a relationship, or close to what I wanted. 

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have wonderful friends who are beautiful and kind and hilarious. They are there for me and I try my hardest to be there for them too. But once your friends get their "someones" and decide that they want to make those "someones" their forever best friends, there isn't much room left for you. You get to attend the parties and toast to a wonderful couple and then you send them off saying goodbye to a little bit of that friendship you will never get back. And that's life. 

I wanted to find my forever best friend here. The one person who I could be completely honest to. The one person who would call me out when I need it, or comfort me when I need it. The person who would love me for me and think that i'm hilarious even when my jokes or stories fall short of even a pity laugh. The person would be sweet enough to want to pay for the tickets even though I asked. The person who would truly understand me. 

I think all I've ever wanted was for someone to understand me. To see me for who I am. I want someone to look at my expression and know what it means. I want someone to ask me if i'm okay and it not piss me off. Only one person has ever succeeded at this. 

I wanted the person who would think of me as more than just someone they saw around campus. More than just the girl who would say hi in passing. I wanted that friendship, with the jokes, and the laughter, and the slowly falling for one another. You know the slowly, but then all at once stuff. I wanted to build a friendship and then it turn into more. I wanted something that would last longer than the four years of college. I wanted something that wouldn't disappear the second we walk across the stage and flip our tassels. 

I wanted my forever best friend. But wanting something so bad it hurts still doesn't make it show up any faster than it's perfect timing. 

I wanted my forever best friend. I will always want my forever best friend. That longing will never go away. I am convinced that the anticipation is killing me. But it will never diminish the joy I will feel when I can look at the people I love on that day, the day I make my best friend my forever best friend, and tell them that he was worth the waiting. 

The Head and The Heart

She had been dwelling on what had happened. 

She was so excited and she felt so special, but I told her that it wasn't a good idea.

She would run crazy if I didn't pull her back to reality. She's always so hung up on the ideas and on just going for it, but what about being practical? That's my responsibility in her life. I try my best to make her think about what she's doing. To weigh the pros and cons, or to even just analyze something first.

I'll admit it, I get a little carried away sometimes though. Sometimes I force her to see all the negative things that could happen. It's like I need to make sure she knows what could happen. Even if it means overkill on analyzing the facts and not the underlying feelings. 

She pleads with me a lot to let up. She just wants to run free and have people follow her, but I can't allow for that. It's reckless and in all honesty, it's going to end up in her being broken. So I'm here to protect her from that. 

Here she is again, hung up on something that should have only been one night. One night that would end up as just memories. 

She's convinced that it should mean more than just memories. She's convinced that the actions and the things that were said meant more than just kindness or him being a gentleman. She was convinced, or at least she hoped that it was supposed to be more.

This has to be the thousandth time she has done this. She puts herself out there and then gets broken, and I have to pick up the pieces and use my knowledge of her to put them back together. It's been a good while since I've let her really go for it. Usually I shut it down right away in hopes that she will get over him quick. I sometimes have to plant a deceptive seed in her to overanalyze her worthiness. 

It's not that she isn't worthy, trust me, I know she is. 

But on the off chance that he doesn't feel the same as she does, I give her the thoughts and the mindset that he won't ever. 

I make her think that what she's doing is awkward, or bothersome, or a burden. Sometimes this causes her insecurities to come out. When her insecurities come out, she becomes anxious. And when she becomes anxious she is restless, and then in turn she sometimes get impulsive. When she's impulsive, things end quickly. 

It's a somewhat tough process, having to see her put herself out there, or try. I hate being the bearer of bad news, or the one who brings rain on her parade, but I'm the logical one. I will keep her safe from harm. If she would only let me. 

So I'm waiting. It's been a while since I let her go. I haven't seen her truly go for it and win in at least three years, but even then it had started too soon and ended quickly. 

I'm torn. I'm wearing down because, believe it or not it does get exhausting having to bring people down to logic when they are sitting so high on cloud nine. 

Maybe just this once I can let her lead her own life. Maybe just this once I'll let Heart lead. She's waited a long time for this.

But if this time doesn't work. If for some reason it's not what she originally hoped, she will be crushed. 

And I'll be there, to set up a new set of walls to hold her together again. 

Silence

I was in one of my classes this morning and like normal my mind was elsewhere. 

My teacher mentioned one thing and then off my mind goes on some other trail that ended with me thinking about the silence in the pauses a preacher makes. 

I thought about how those silences are sometimes awkward and I pictured the congregation awaiting patiently the words that would soon leave the preachers mouth. 

I thought of the type of preacher I would be. I think I would find comfort in the silence. It would be a type of pause for me to gather myself. I would want the congregation to be comfortable in the silence with me. 

I don't think a lot of people know this about me, but I like silence. 

Even if the silence is awkward, a lot of the time you will find me smiling through it. 

Silence is where I find solace.

I am an internal processor. Usually I only process things verbally after I have given it an extreme amount of thought. 

I like silence because it's soothing for me. 

I love music, and talking and watching movies. 

But there is something about sitting down with a book in silence and reading for hours on end. 

Something about just sitting there in silence. 

I like silence because it makes me feel alone. It helps me recharge. 

So as I sat there in my class wondering about what kind of preacher I would be, I sat silent, processing my thoughts. 

This, for me, is how it is. 

I like silence. 

I like solace.

I like myself this way. I'm comfortable with the silence, even if other people aren't.

How is it that I'm still cautious?

A few years back I was hurt pretty badly by a couple of my best friends. 

I was lied to, and my heart got broken.

I don't think they understood the deepness of the wounds or the severity. 

I forgave blindly because I knew it was what I was "supposed" to do. 

That and I'm sure I didn't want to cut them out of my life, I love them. 

However, since then I have been overly cautious. 

I don't trust as easily. And I definitely don't put myself out there like I once did. 

If I ever have a crush on someone and I find out they like one of my friends, I back off and let it go.

If I like someone and someone else shows interest in them, even if I barely know them, I'll back off and let them go for it.

You see, I'm not willing to be hurt again. I don't take many risks, I can't go for it. 

I'm hesitant, and stuck and yet still incredibly hopeful that something will happen even though I haven't given any indication that I want it to.

I'm too cautious. 

No risk no reward right? 

Isn't that what we're taught? 

Here I am scared to death that I'll be broken again. 

When I forgave the last time, I didn't give it enough time. I jumped right back into the friendship, still very wounded, and holding back the bitterness in my heart that was trying to escape in any situation. 

I wasn't okay with it. 

I wasn't okay with feeling betrayed. 

What if I put myself out there like that all the time? 

Wouldn't I be completely in pieces all of the time? 

Even now, I find myself holding back from even having a crush on someone because they remind me of the one person that I had to get over. The one person who was an accomplice in the breaking of my high school heart. 

How is it that I'm still cautious? 

Can my heart ever be completely healed from that? 

Can I ever take the risk again?