People Matter

Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.

Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.

She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.

It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.

I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.

She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.

I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.

Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.

Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.

I felt terrible.

Honestly.

This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.

She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.

I think we don't tell people they matter enough.

I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.

They all know that I'm back.

After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.

These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.

When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.

That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.

I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.

Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.

But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.

The ones that were natural, not forced.

The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.

The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.

The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.

People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.

Whatever the heck that means.

But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.

I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.

But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.

I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.

I need to let them know they matter.

We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.

Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.

"I love you."

"I'm thankful for you in my life."

"You matter to me."

"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."

It's important. People are important. Tell them.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

When You've Hit Bottom

I've always heard that it's good when you've hit rock bottom, because then there's nowhere to go but up. But what people don't tell you, is that when you're at rock bottom how crippling it actually is.

You don't feel enlightened because you can see up and see that life will be so much better after this point.

It just feels like it's not going to end.

Today, I may have hit my rock bottom.

Recently I've been struggling with anxiety a lot.

Mainly because I feel as though my life is going no where and I'm basically letting people make decisions for me.

I don't stand up for myself, I don't confront people when they hurt me, and I definitely don't initiate my future.

Today I woke up with the worst thought that I have ever had in my entire life.

It would be so much easier if I wasn't here. Honestly.

I sat on my bed with tears running down my face trying to wrap my head around getting ready for work whilst basically having an anxiety attack.

I felt like i couldn't fully breathe and I began writing in my journal, about how scared I was.

I've never in my life have I had a thought that dark. Twisted maybe, but never to the extent that taking my own life would somehow make my life easier. It scared the shit out of me.

So as I was writing, basically screaming into my journal, I begged from my heart for God to help me through this, to help me breathe.

Then something happened, a spark you could say, that ignited this fight in my heart. I was pissed.

I'm still pissed.

So pissed that I let the comments, and judgements of others contemplate my healthy mindset.

So very angry that I somehow let myself get isolated enough to think that I had to settle for this.

That I had to settle for someone treating me this way and that there was no way out.

No. No. No. NO.

I am mad.

I am mad that I have allowed this to happen to me. That I have allowed things to get this far because I'm afraid of hurting someones feelings by telling them that they've hurt mine. NO.

I am mad, that I gave up. I gave up living on my own with good friends to come home and be stuck and be pushed around.

I am mad that people never tell you how hard life really is, and then it's a complete culture shock when you start having to make your own decisions when no one let you before.

I am angry. That I feel as though my dreams aren't good enough, or that I am not good enough to achieve them.

Just no.

This was my rock bottom. But I let it come to this.

If me being completely angry and pissed off at the world is going to set me into motion, then lets have it. Bring on the internal flame that will burn in my belly.

Bring on the purification of my life by fire and the ripping up of roots that must split apart to be healthy.

I am ready to move on, finally from this place I have let my heart live.

I'm ready to move on. I've hit my rock bottom, and I don't know how long I will be here, but I know that I will not sit down here doing nothing.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Laugh

"How wonderful is it that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy"

---

This quote basically killed me today. You want to know why? Because I cannot even count the number of people that have apologized for the sound, or decibel of their laugh. Sometimes, me and a friend of mine drive around in my car and one of us will laugh ridiculously, and then it spirals out of control into this unspoken contest of who can make the stupidest sounding laugh. And you know what? We laughed.

I've apologized for my laugh. Sometimes I'll be at work and I'll laugh at a friends joke, loudly, and I look towards our bosses office scared that he'll come out and scold me for laughing. Even though he's never given me a reason to believe he would actually do such a thing. Why is it that I feel I need to apologize for laughing? Why does anyone feel that way? It's idiotic.

The only time that maybe I was justified for apologizing after a laugh, was on my first date when I laughed and water squirted out of my mouth. And I'm gonna be honest, that was probably my selling point, because I couldn't really shake him.

I love laughing. I love crying because I'm laughing so hard. You really know that something is funny if you are alone and you are rolling around on the floor cracking up. I'm sure my quadmates all thought I was crazy from all the laughs they heard down the hall because I think everything is funny.

I usually always get insecure when someone points out my laugh. And it's not even bad. Someone will be like, "I love your laugh." And then I overanalyze everything they could be talking about. The sound? How my face looks when I laugh? How I basically open my mouth fully and let the sound echo up and out from my diaphragm?

I don't get it. But I know that it's a compliment that I'm no longer going to let make me feel insecure.

Laughter is beautiful. It's probably one of the most amazing expressions of life. If you can make someone who is sad laugh, I think that you've done a great thing.

About two years ago in college, I remember struggling with myself and who I was. I remember I went through a time where I was even more insecure than I am now. I was sitting in one of my classes and all the sudden out of nowhere, like God was speaking right to my heart I heard Him say that he smiles when I laugh.

God smiles when I laugh. I understand now through that one quote that it's basically what it is. Joy escaping our lips because we cannot contain it. And why wouldn't God smile at His joyful children?

This is the most important thing. Knowing how to laugh and letting the joy consume you. Let your laugh echo in the late night hours. Let your stomach muscles clench so hard because you are laughing so hard. Let your laugh be and don't be insecure about it. God smiles when you laugh.

I Haven't Done Anything

Last night I was watching one of my new favorite movies, and the main character said "It's hard to see people from your past, when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up." I sat there trying not to show on my face that I was having this huge life revelation in front of my parents.

I realized that that is the reason I get anxiety when it comes to seeing people from my past.

Even friends that I haven't seen in two months, will give me anxiety when they ask how I'm doing now that I've moved home.

I wanted to be better than I was. I wanted to be prettier, or thinner, or more successful.

I don't like seeing people from my past because I feel as though I don't have anything to say about my life.

It isn't great.

I haven't accomplished anything.

And I have a terrible self-esteem so I believe this to be true.

But it's not.

It's not true.

I think that the way I've been living has made me this way.

Not wanting to think that I've done good.

My trying to "stay humble" has gone completely in the other direction to where I don't even take compliments well.

So why would I enjoy talking about things that I have done?

Why am I going to spew out things that I like, or accomplished if I'm just going to feel like I'm bragging, or talking too much about myself.

Why?

Because I deserve to.

I realize now that there is a difference between telling people your story and what you've accomplished.

Between sharing things you like and forcing out your opinion.

When people ask me what I've been up to, I am lying to their faces when I say "nothing much."

I just don't want to seem to eager to share myself. I never am.

My friend recently explained to me that I don't usually share myself. People don't necessarily get to know me easily. I may ask questions to try to get to know them, but I never share about me unless people ask, and even then I don't do specifics.

She said that maybe I'm just not comfortable with myself and therefore I don't represent who I am well. I won't share because I feel as though I haven't done anything.

But I want to change that. Desperately.

I don't want to be the girl who is constantly down on herself, and believing the lies that the enemy and myself tell me daily.

I deserve to have people wanting to know me. Meaning that I need to show them that I'm open to that.

I'm open to sharing my life and my interests.

So as a step forward, here are a few things about me:

-In May 2014, I graduated from Life Pacific College with my BA in Transformational Ministry. I graduated from COLLEGE. How cool is that. I made it. With loans, sure, but I made it nevertheless.

-I love movies, and tv shows, and if you honestly give Gilmore Girls a shot I'm sure you would like it.

-I love driving. Alone, with my friends, with the windows down, with the music blasting and me speeding down the road. I've also gotten two speeding tickets for that.

-My friends mean the world to me. If you become one of my close friends, you bet your bottom dollar I will be a protector, a listener, and a person that will give you advice if you want to hear it and then go do the opposite.

-I actually like pretty things. I grew up trying to be a tom-boy and I suppressed all of my feelings for anything remotely girly. So here I am now, 15 years later saying that I'm a girl, and I like pretty things sometimes.

-I have a record player. But I'll be honest, I did just buy it because of it being a trend now. But I do honestly love it.

-I moved home about two months ago because of finances, and basically needing a break from commitments. Including paying rent, and serving as my church's worship leader.

-Which theres another thing. I got to be a worship leader for about half a year. Being a worship leader is what I wanted to do for a really long time, and then I was doing it, and then kind of got burnt out really quick.

-I got a job at a financial firm, and I'm hoping to get better at finances because of it.

-This summer I recorded a low-quality demo with some of my songs on it. Something that I set my mind to and actually achieved before summer ended and my friend had to go back to school.

-I'm pretty good at doing winged eyeliner.

-I performed at an open mic and did one of my own songs. There were barely any people there and I could barely hear myself. But I did it and that's what counts.

So there's a few things about me and a few things i've done. I'm sorry if you actually read through everything. But this was something I needed to do.

"I have come to the realization that, life is more than what I have accomplished and, life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all." - Classic Crime

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be home. I've gotten used to it mostly, but then something will happen and remind me why it was so hard before.

I've gotten used to the not being alone, and basically having no privacy.

I haven't gotten used to the manipulation, chaos, and emotion.

It's funny the things you don't notice when you aren't there.

I have to sit and watch these people take advantage of my family, of my parents.

It's killing me.

It's hard to choose family over family.

It's hard to walk in to my mom's room and find her crying.

It's hard to see the toll things are taking on her.

It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

It's hard.

Friendships

I was talking with one of my best friends today. Mainly just about feelings of obligation, and guilt.

Two things that shouldn't apply to friendships.

I have the opportunity to attend a young adult event tonight at 6pm, at one of my previous friends house.

I say previous, because I feel as though those two words have begun to describe our friendship. At least on my side.

The moment I left for school, ish basically hit the fan for this friend.

His life kind of got really hard, and he was depressed all the time and calling me needing encouragement.

Which as the INFP that I am, I did the best I could and immediately started to feed the changing friendship that would later be labeled as codependent.

When I would come home to visit, they would always want to hangout and I would say yes, and then later feel like I had to and would make up excuses not to go. He began to think I was a flake, which I kind of was, purposefully.

But hanging out with this person was starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, and I would feel guilted into it.

I am in no place to try and fix anyone, I can barely take care of myself. But I felt as though I needed to go because he didn't have anyone else.

I am always so caught up in what my actions are going to do to other people, that I, most of the time, live for others rather than myself.

If I could possibly hurt someone in some way by my actions, I will try everything else no matter what the inconvenience to me.

I want to live my life. You know?

I want to live and breathe honesty, and have healthy relationships.

I want to have friendships that aren't ridden with obligation.

So do I go? I'm finally free from that friendship. I've gone a good amount of time without feeling guilted into it.

Do I go and risk getting into it again?

I know that Jesus wants us to love everyone, and I am trying my best. But can I love from afar?

I think it's fair to do so.

I think that I truly want the best for this person, but I also want what's best for me, and right now that's taking care of myself.

Letting God fix my heart and help me have boundaries.

I need healing from this relationship.

Friendships are never easy. There are always ups and downs. But mostly, there is give and take. And for the past four years I feel that all this friendship has been is take.

What do I do?

Lord help me...

I'm used to being alone

I think the feelings of frustration I get from being home come from the fact that I'm used to being along. I can't stand having someone talking all the time, or not even really having privacy in my own room.

I can't stand that I have to tell someone where I'm going when I leave the house, or even when I get up and walk ten feet to my room.

I literally find myself biting my tongue when my mom comes to my room to ask if I'm okay because she "heard a noise."

I am almost a week in and I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I don't know what to do.

Do I risk telling my mom that I need her to back off? Because I desperately do.

I'm an extremely independent person and it kills me to feel like I can't go anywhere in my house and find solace.

I feel like I can't write songs because they'll be on the other side of the door.

I'm getting anxious.

I need to find something to get me out of here.

Is this what it's like to be married?

To have your significant other constantly ask questions about where you're going or just basically invade your whole sense of independence all day?

Because to be perfectly honest, if it is, I don't think I'll be ready for it for a very, very, very, long time, if ever.

I'm used to being alone, and making decisions on my own, and being able to go do things at the drop of a hat because there is no one else to check in with.

Now I know I may be exaggerating a little bit, because it's my mom and it will be different when I'm with someone I choose to be with.

But still, they are going to need to realize that I'm used to being alone, and be able to accept it.

You Are Enough

I'm counting down the days, until I say goodbye The seconds pass so quickly, and I'm running out of time

Being torn in many directions, yet my heart might be left here

There's someone that I'm leaving, and they won't know, I fear

They won't know that they are loved, or just how much I care

I waited much too long, so now it won't seem fair

I've liked you for some time now, and please don't ask me why

Maybe it's because you're handsome, or because you drink whiskey when you cry

I wouldn't mind if you touched me, or even if we kissed

I think I waited too long, for the moment sure was missed

So for now I'll just be saying, that even though it's tough

You truly matter to me, You are enough.

It's been a while.

My life has been pretty crazy the last couple of weeks. And by crazy, I do mean crazy emotional. All of my life I've thought that my heart would be protected if I didn't let a man hurt me.

I thought that if I never got into a relationship with someone then I'd never have the chance to get my heart broken.

But I'm here now, and I'm fully convinced and ready to tell you that I was completely wrong. And that I was kidding myself for years.

This summer I had the wonderful opportunity to become better friends with a few women from my church. These people became some of my best friends. The people I ran to when I was lonely, and when I just needed to sit and watch t.v., or cry.

We joked, and talked about God, and talked about the future.

We vented about ministry, and about boys and about how Lorelei totally should have been with Luke the whole time.

This summer I learned to actually look forward to seeing people, because it wasn't a given anymore. I wasn't just going to be able to walk down my hall and say hi to all of my quadmates.

I learned how much effort friendship really takes, and how much effort I actually wanted to put into it.

I opened my heart to new friends. They weren't just people I was thrown into a situation with. It was intentional.

And now my heart is breaking. More than I ever could have imagined it would.

I'm leaving.

I think about moving home and I can cry in an instant.

I'm excited for the future that I'm going to be preparing for, but sometimes I have doubts that this heartbreak from leaving friends is worth it.

Thinking about starting over scares the hell out of me.

And I may feel heart broken.

But I know that I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

And I think that's what is most important.

Even if it hurts now, I know that I will look back and smile later.

Where is Home?

I've been struggling a lot the past few months, with depression. Mainly sparked from isolation and anxiety. I have been feeling stuck, and unproductive, and hopeless.

I have this feeling that I shouldn't be here anymore. And I'm scared.

I'm scared to leave this place and go home.

I'm scared to let go of everything even though it's all slipping away anyways.

I either leave now with some semblance of a choice, or go home in two months after I have failed to take care of myself.

I thought I would be fine, I thought that I could do it. I don't know what's different between me having gone home this summer and me going home now.

I got to live on my own for three months.

I got to learn how to make priorities.

I had the privilege of being part of such an amazing church, and becoming better friends with people that I knew.

I'm scared that going home is giving up.

I'm scared that I'll go home and get stuck. Or that I won't want to leave.

I'm so scared. And I can't do anything about it.

I think deep down this is something I need to learn to be okay with.

I need to learn that this home isn't permanent and it's just until I can get on my feet and start my adult life.

I know that this could be a time to prepare for what I truly want to do. This could be the time that I take to save and plan the next step. I can write, and play, and figure it all out.

I just need clarity, and peace about it.

I also know that if I find my home in God, that I can be anywhere.

But Lord, please just make this clear to me.

I've said for so long that I can't go back there. But I think I might just be running from things. Things that if I faced it could bring me healing. Lord give me peace and clarity. Amen.

I Never Know What To Think

We've all had crushes in our lives. We've also all had a friend who inspires hope for said crush. False hope, one could say.

All of my life, I have been best friend to this person who deems it okay to blurt out that they "totally like you back."

And even though I know it has never been that way before, I allow for the hope to seep into my heart and in turn it is let loose on a wild goose chase for love.

I don't know why I let this false hope dictate my getting over someone.

I was thinking about it today, mainly because I have a crush on someone I realize now probably isn't just a bored crush. (A bored crush is defined as someone who is basically just there, your only option, or the best out of what you have in front of you).

It's been about three months, and I've had a crush on the same person. Yes I see him on a daily basis, and yes I do believe he is the best out of what is in front of me, but for some reason I think it's more than just the bored crush.

As stated in my last post, I had a conversation with a co-worker about character, and reading people. That co-worker and my crush, are one and the same.

After that whole conversation had gone down, I didn't really know what to do so I sent a text to one of my best friends about it. We talked through it and everything was okay, it wasn't a big deal.

Today, she asked me "Have you talked to _____ yet?"

I was taken off guard thinking she was talking about the things he said so I just replied, "Well, I talk to him all the time, but I don't think he would actually ask about that."

But then she replied, "Well no, I mean, just everything he said. People don't just notice all those things, even if they are observant."

And so it begins....

I don't have to justify this crush. I really don't. There have been a few times where I had thought he liked me back but I was just reading into things too much. Then this happened.

She didn't openly say anything encouraging about this crush or anything like "he likes you too!"

A simple, "people don't just notice all those things.."and I'm soaring.

In my head....

"Oh my God, you're right, he totally was just saying he was really observant with everyone to cover up the fact that he noticed all that stuff about me, and he actually likes me too and...and...and...blah...blah..blah..."

Good Lord! When will it end?!?!

How about we go back to when we held off until a guy said he was interested. Or how about we just show our interest and possibly even speak up before we become completely lost in a crush that will go no where.

I have wasted almost six months of my life before, being led on, and fed false hope from many friends, only to realize that this person was never going to like me back.

I have been tricked and hurt, mainly by myself, because I sat in the hope that my interest will be reciprocated, but I also waited, inactive and trying to play it "cool."

I have driven probably around a thousand miles if not more, in hopes that I would drive past certain crushes on the off chance that they would be out walking around, or in their own car driving by.

It's funny though, because even though my friends feed me false hope, I never actually believe it. I never actually believe that someone likes me.

So in this moment, I'll wait I guess. I don't know if he likes me. I don't know what to think about the things he writes, or the observations he blurts out.

All I know is that when he said all those things, I felt comfort in the fact that someone saw some of the darkest insecurities and secrets that I had and treated me the same. I know that when he jokingly says "that's hot" to something I awkwardly do or say, It makes me blush inwardly. (never outwardly). I know that when he brushes past me, he smells good, and I wish that he was closer. I'm not going to lie, he knows that I don't like being touched. And I wish that he didn't know that. Because I wouldn't mind if it was him.

Sometimes I feel so dumb for liking him too. He always talks and I just listen. I could probably listen to him all day, which is rare because I don't really like when people talk a lot. He does this cute thing where he says "shut up" when I'm about to start a conversation with him, and I want to slap him in the face. But God bless my heart, I like him like crazy.

He does all these things that make me like him more, and I don't know if he's just nice, or you know...

I never know what to think.

So here I am. Fighting the false hope. Fighting the crush that probably isn't right. And fighting my conscience. Because I just might tell him. I might just tell him that either his detective skills just aren't good enough to realize it, or he's just pretending to be ignorant to the fact that I have liked him the whole time.

Sometimes you want them to know, but you don't want to have to say anything.

For a good portion of my life, I have been plagued with shame. I have been overridden with guilt and regret for past decisions and situations that I did not volunteer for.

Sometimes I find myself caught up in it all. It doesn't matter where I am, I can stare off into space and wish that things had been different for me.

Everyone has a tough life, I'm convinced. It doesn't matter who you are, we were made to endure certain struggles and to be made stronger through those struggles.

I have a not so clean past. A past that seems as though it could only be written about in a cruel novel where the main character is always playing the victim.

Today I found myself having a certain discussion with a co-worker about being able to know things about people just based on observations and the way that they act and react to things.

I was interested to hear what he had to say about me, so after about twenty minutes of me begging him and reassuring him that it wouldn't be awkward, he caved.

He started off with a certain situation, basically describing how the guys at the establishment I work at always go to the window to stare at "hot" girls as they walk past, or make me switch them when a hot girl comes to the window. Then he said the word self-conscious.

I know this about myself. It's no big deal.

After I basically pulled it out of him, he said that he would say some key words. So he began. Acceptance. Self-conscious, mentioning the window scenario again, lack of confidence, based on looks, comparing myself to those girls, having a willingness to do whatever to be accepted. All of this was spot on, and yes somewhat general for girls these days anyway. But then he said "and you get upset when the guys make rape jokes, and you don't like to be touched, so there's probably something there.."

My heart sank. How is it, that this person who has known me for three months could know all of this information just by being observant?

Whenever I took a mini-vacation from awareness and decided to let my thoughts travel back to my past I had always wished that someone would see it in my eyes. That someone could just figure it out without me having to spell it out, or awkwardly bring it up. I wanted someone to know and comfort me and tell me that there was no shame.

I wanted them to know, but I didn't want to have to say anything.

This moment for me was exciting. Believe it or not. Someone knew. Someone knew and they didn't treat me differently.

I think this conversation made me realize that I am seen. That someone noticed. That I was worth noticing.

Sometimes you want them to know, but you don't want to have to say anything.

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.

Im Itching for Adventure

Lately I've just been feeling stuck. I've been in this small town for a little over four years and it's great and all, but I don't think it's what I want.

I want to be in a city where there are four seasons, not just hot and then a little less hot in the winter.

I want to wear layers, and be able to sit outside and drink hot coffee.

I actually want to walk around outside and explore without feeling like I'm going to break a sweat walking down the street.

I don't want commitments, or things holding me down. I want to feel free.

I want to move to a random town for a couple of months just to see a new place.

I want to road trip the U.S. in a Jeep Cherokee with my guitar, cds, a tiny mattress and my journal.

I want to take pictures of the beautiful things and people that I see.

I just want adventure.

I'm tired of being here.

I think that I can handle being far away from my family if at least I'm doing something worth while.

I am itching for adventure.

And I know I'm just on the cusp of it.

Trust and love

I think I've figured it out.The reason it takes a little bit of time to get to know me is because I have trust issues. I don't trust that people will like me for who I am. I don't trust people to see me, and not just my weight or any other physical thing that comes before getting to know someone. I've always had a wall up when meeting new people because I need to know how much of myself to share so I won't share the parts that will be judged or taken advantage of. I don't trust people. Because of this I don't love. I don't love myself. And I have a hard time showing love to others if I constantly think that they will judge me so I don't show the love of God. I took a second and just pictured my life as it is. I realized that as a child I got so hurt by trying and loving, so this made me bitter, cynical, and apathetic. I decided being apathetic about everything and not showing real love or passion for anything would help me save face when people didn't like things I liked, or when my attempts at anything eventually tanked. I stopped trying. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll try hard to do something that I truly care about and I'll be crushed because I put my whole heart into it. I do this with relationships. What if I became super outgoing? What if I showed all of myself to people when we first met and they decide right away that they don't like me? So I found it better to not share my whole self. And instead I will show people what they are okay with. I'll be interested in things they'll be interested in. And I'll hide all the interests they don't like. But what if I picture it another way. What if I try to trust someone once. What if when I first meet someone, I make my dumb jokes and be sarcastic and actually make an effort to get to know them and show them me? And what if they like me? What if they decide my friendship is worth it? Isn't trusting people worth it? Isn't being yourself worth it? So what if you decide to be yourself and a few people get rubbed the wrong way. It's better than forcing yourself to fit in and like things you don't like and hide things about yourself that you love. I hide my music. I only share my music with people who I trust and love. But where is that going to get me? I'm scared. I don't trust. And I haven't loved to my full potential. And It's about time that I start. Start trusting people. Start loving people. And start loving myself and giving myself the chance at life that I deserve.

Enough.

I let it all get to me. I let the darkness in.

I tried so hard to keep calm and not worry about tomorrow, but then I did.

I started sinking like Peter and though I tried to tread water I became fully submerged in the darkness of doubt.

Repeatedly isolated and lonely I had no one to really turn to about my issues.

My feelings of inadequacy, shame, lust, anxiety, anything.

The darkness came in, and it all became too much.

Finally it all broke. The dark walls that had crept up around my heart and my spirit, they cracked.

With each new crack, every new tear, a piece fell away. The light was making it's way back in.

Hope and trust stirred in my heart. Everything had broken and it seemed that the dam of doubt that was keeping everything in wasn't strong enough.

Though tears were many, they were needed.

A little girl, overwhelmed, hurt, lonely, needing comfort and guidance. Her Father giving her hope, and telling her what she desperately needed to hear. That she is enough just the way she is, and that He loves her.

"Dear Michelle, you are so loved by everyone who knows you. You are a child of God, and He loves you so much. There is nothing that you can do to make Him love you more or love you less. You are ENOUGH. This is just a reminder that He is watching over you and taking care of you all the time. With Love, Another Child of God."

It got to the point where I didn't think that God saw me anymore. And this realization that I thought this broke me all over again.

How could the creator forget His creation? How could a Father forget His daughter?

I laid in a ball on my bed, sobbing, with my face in my hands trying to breathe.

Desperately trying to just breathe in anything that would make me feel better, that would make me happy and peaceful, and I knew, I KNEW, that only God could bring me the peace that I was desperately seeking.

I was in this place of complete unhappiness with life, I was anxious, I was scared and worried about life, and money, and people, and I felt forgotten. And then when I need it the most, God has someone give me that letter.

God made sure that I knew it was going to be okay. Not everything is made okay now, but this letter is a promise that God will always take care of me, and that it will be okay.

God is the only one who takes me as I am. I could be who I am now, forever, and He would still love me. I am enough.

Solitary

I just had the realization that most of my interests, or the things that I love to do, are solitary activities. I like to read.

I like to sit and listen to music.

I like to drive.

I like to write music and perform my songs acoustically.

I like to sit in my room and watch tv and movies.

I like to sit in silence as I silently think, pray, or play out completely unrealistic scenarios in my head.

It seems that these days in most of my down time I'm alone.

For some reason, since I was a kid I imagined being with someone. I imagined finally having a boyfriend and things would change and he would be my everything. But I don't think I want that.

I don't want a man to become my everything. Man is so irresponsible, and unreliable.

I willingly put everything I am in Christ, or at least I try.

God has made me who I am, someone that can stand alone. Someone that can handle the weight of the world because she's strong and doesn't need another human to take care of her. Yes I accept help, and I trust that God will provide. But I don't depend on a man to make me happy.

I can do things on my own. I even go to movies by myself. I like it.

I just think that maybe I need someone who is okay with that. Someone who is okay with my needing a little bit of space and independence.

Or maybe just someone who is willing to sit with me.

I want a partner, not someone to do everything for me, or to be everything that I am.

I want someone who can show up and just sit down while I'm thinking and wait for me to open up.

Someone who can sit next to me while I drive and not feel as though they need to talk, that music is enough.

We could read our books together. Constantly shifting so that our limbs don't fall asleep as we sit for hours on end pouring over the words of writer after writer.

I'll be honest.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of feeling like I need to go out and be someone completely different to get someone.

I can't be the outgoing person that other girls are. I won't go out and just meet someone out of my own will.

I'm the introvert girl who needs to feel out situations, but by the time I find what's okay to say the moment is over.

So I stay solitary. In my room, in my mind, in my heart.

And I hate it.